I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
