is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
