So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
