Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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