the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
