you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
