Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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