I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
