Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
time to smoke my breakfast
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
