Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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