I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
