You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
