there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize