I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
