After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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