Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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