My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
