best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
