I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
