my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
