he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
