I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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