I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
