Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
