if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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