The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize