either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
