apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize