so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
