Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
