Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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