i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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