I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you told grandpa to call you daddy
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
PS: I just woke up from my shower
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
