I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
