I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
