I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
