Jerry, you need to find god
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
