It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
