drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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