they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Drake has all the answers
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
