He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
