GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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