My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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