Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize