I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you had me at cake vodka
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
