I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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