It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
