i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
