i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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