You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
