is your mom at the bar?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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