No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
