i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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