Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
