the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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