craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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