the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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