I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Randomize
