Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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