my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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