He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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