I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
