If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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