i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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