I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize