Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
3 2 1 whiskey
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
